silly boy

First day since I had my decision. And I am actually still chipper, I think I always have an innate longing. But, it is actually more of a lingering thought in the back of my head, How the fuck did this occur in the first place? What a silly boy! So, now what? Well fuck isn't it obvious.... I'm gonna stop to smell the flowers damn it. To enjoy the small things in life; to appreciate the things that I do have. I have always loved my apartment and what it represents. The edge of the central/downtown slums, on the cusp of the west side. It is unidentifiable with any of those locations as a whole, just simply in the "UTEP area." That's me, not truly an from here, in the sense of philosophies, but perhaps ideologies. IF that makes any sense?!? Not sure it does, but I to understand how people are different here, and I dont look down on their faults, they have bought into their own happiness. Maybe the "family" environment I shunned down upon when I first got here could some how be modified. Education and entrenchment of one's culture is possible. Yup yup, gotta start some where. And that's me.....

The spell is broken: TAMING THE LION

Yea that's right. I dont know usually I feel heart broken, but this time I am a bit relieved and enlightened by the results. No doubt that I will always love MT, I will always cherish the moments we shared. But, I think that today I finally realized something extremely important to me. That is, love is NOT long drawn out negations, its captivating and should be breathtaking. It should sweep a person off their feet, and make them be able to identify the worst part of the other person, and understand it. Sympathize as much as possible, with empathy wherever applicable.

MT simply does not crave me the same as I craved her. Her doubts would not be their, her insecurities would not be manifested so strongly in her decisions. Oppositely, she should be making a drive to be with me. Instead if she does ever part from her current situation, she will use the opportunity for self-reflection. Essentially, to find herself. Which after being in a poor relationship since high school she will require an ample amount of time to accomplish such a feat. If she is ever going to be able to. She has chosen by simply flawed logic to remain in poorly judged stability. In much the same manner that I love politics and used to whole heartily seek fiery debates, I have learned that there are some fundamental underlying philosophies that dictate people's choices. These are what makes MT and myself not be able to overcome the current scenario.

What's next?

Well, I do believe that who a man is largely do the people that he has know during his life, more importantly women. This begins from infancy during the nurturing of his mother to the ladies that he has relations with. MT has given me a chance to once again believe in my own benevolence. I honestly have faith in my own good judgment, I love the person that I am. Analogously, I AM A LION. Always have been, always will be. I have fought to repress my desire to dominate and to pursue. I have taught myself that I want to live a simple life out of the spot light, who am I kidding? I am not a paper chaser, that is not my style and in my opinion a sad way to life one's life. Instead, I wish to be a shadow master on the cave walls of our society. I doubt that I have the insight to become a philosopher in the truest sense. I will forge forward with the love of learning and share my wisdom with others. Hoping to give my children a better life. To partake in counterbalancing the ever on going forces that wish to throw us astray every day. It is in moderation that will find our salvation. It is with conservative idealism that my dreams and hopes shall come to fruition not the arms of another.

Now dont get me wrong, I will always. ALWAYS!!!! Love women, I need their company to guide me to mold me into a better man. Perhaps that my greatest downfall is that I love, love itself. Until the day that I find the perfect time in which I am compelled like a moth to a flame and she as well. Then it will fulfill the criteria noted above. That shall be the day in which I surrender myself and incorporate another again to my dreams.

Why does love have to be so difficult?

Had some doubts that she would be able to go through with it. And unfortunately, my doubts may becoming realized. She wrote me friday.... a letter were her finances are of prominent issue for use being together. She was "at a dead end." But, where does that leave me? I love her, honestly and truly do. My life is a haze, and that is the only thing that I truly believe to be certain. On thursday of last week prior to her letter I purchased some earrings that were delivered today. Additionally I wrote this letter and dropped it off, with some flowers, at her office.

Dear Ms. MT,

By now I take it that you have received my gift to you. It was purchased prior to me reading your letter. I wanted to share another small memento of my love. I figured that you needed some time, that is why I left you be last week. But, not one day passed that I wasn’t thinking about you. To simply put it, you put the pep in my step. Perhaps it could be said that I have over romanticized the possibility of us. However how could I deny such a strong gut instinct? The answer is I cannot. I know that you too feel what I feel; you too love me the way I love you.

If the reasons you wrote me are the basis for your doubts there is no reason to worry for I shall withstand hell for you; if it is something entirely different I do need you to be honest with me. Nothing goes according to plan, and our venture has already been beyond the realms of what either of us expected. All I have ever asked of you is to allow me to love you. I would pay a king’s ransom to be with you. Let me help you during these difficult times, so that we might overcome them together. Drop your guard; allow me to be there for you fully without limitations. If our day comes with God’s heavy hand, so be it, it will still be a day that I have looked forward to for far too long. I stand by the idea that I deserve someone that will love me 110%, and I still believe that could be you.

I Love you very much,
Brown Buffalo

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I dont normally put her stuff on here, but I thought I would make an exception. this is her letter back today:
HEY, I HOPE YOU ARE OKAY. I GOT YOUR GIFTS BUT I CAN LONGER ACCEPT THEM. IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YOUR TRYING TO BUY ME. I KNOW YOUR TRYING TO SHOW ME YOUR LOVE AND I UNDERSTAND THAT BUT I THINK YOU CAN SPEND YOUR MONEY ON SOMETHING ELSE BETTER. I DO APOLOGIZE FOR NOT CALLING OR EMAILING YOU. I JUST FELT I NEEDED SOME TIME. I DONT WANT FOR YOU TO BE MISERABLE. I WANT FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY. I JUST FEEL I AM PUTTING YOU THROUGH A LOT. YOUR GONNA END UP HATING ME. YOU HAVE BEEN MY BEST FRIEND (EVEN THOUGH YOU DONT CONSIDER ME THAT WAY), A FRIEND THAT HAS SHOWED ME THAT YOU CARE FOR ME. ITS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I HAD A PERSON CARE FOR ME LIKE THAT. I AM SO SORRY. I CANNOT GET OVER THE FACT THAT IM HURTING YOU AND YOU DONT DESERVE TO BE. YOU HAVE BEEN A GENTLEMAN AND LOVING PERSON.

----Damn

What will October bring?

I plan on much more about this. Since I have been ghost over the past couple months. But, basically this is suppose to be the month of truths.... I doubt that few will be shown to light though. I have decided against my better judgment to pursue someone that is with someone else. Yes, see below. I have been extremely patient and attempted to compromise. So now I wait, for a day that will most likely never come. I sit and think bout simply being with her. Perhaps romanticizing way too much and not stopping to smell the flowers along the way. I have been hurt soooooo much, and in turn have hurt many others. All in this doom fated quest of love. Damn God! God and his cat and mouse games of love and pursuit. The french have a proverb that says "in love there is one that kisses and one that turns the cheek," oh man is that stupid saying so true. Add a point to french score card, and take a million away for developing this contemporary concept called "love." An arranged marriage may have done well in such a fucked up situation. Simple and to the point. No grand standing and insecurities. No doubts! Arguably that is bliss....