silly boy

First day since I had my decision. And I am actually still chipper, I think I always have an innate longing. But, it is actually more of a lingering thought in the back of my head, How the fuck did this occur in the first place? What a silly boy! So, now what? Well fuck isn't it obvious.... I'm gonna stop to smell the flowers damn it. To enjoy the small things in life; to appreciate the things that I do have. I have always loved my apartment and what it represents. The edge of the central/downtown slums, on the cusp of the west side. It is unidentifiable with any of those locations as a whole, just simply in the "UTEP area." That's me, not truly an from here, in the sense of philosophies, but perhaps ideologies. IF that makes any sense?!? Not sure it does, but I to understand how people are different here, and I dont look down on their faults, they have bought into their own happiness. Maybe the "family" environment I shunned down upon when I first got here could some how be modified. Education and entrenchment of one's culture is possible. Yup yup, gotta start some where. And that's me.....

The spell is broken: TAMING THE LION

Yea that's right. I dont know usually I feel heart broken, but this time I am a bit relieved and enlightened by the results. No doubt that I will always love MT, I will always cherish the moments we shared. But, I think that today I finally realized something extremely important to me. That is, love is NOT long drawn out negations, its captivating and should be breathtaking. It should sweep a person off their feet, and make them be able to identify the worst part of the other person, and understand it. Sympathize as much as possible, with empathy wherever applicable.

MT simply does not crave me the same as I craved her. Her doubts would not be their, her insecurities would not be manifested so strongly in her decisions. Oppositely, she should be making a drive to be with me. Instead if she does ever part from her current situation, she will use the opportunity for self-reflection. Essentially, to find herself. Which after being in a poor relationship since high school she will require an ample amount of time to accomplish such a feat. If she is ever going to be able to. She has chosen by simply flawed logic to remain in poorly judged stability. In much the same manner that I love politics and used to whole heartily seek fiery debates, I have learned that there are some fundamental underlying philosophies that dictate people's choices. These are what makes MT and myself not be able to overcome the current scenario.

What's next?

Well, I do believe that who a man is largely do the people that he has know during his life, more importantly women. This begins from infancy during the nurturing of his mother to the ladies that he has relations with. MT has given me a chance to once again believe in my own benevolence. I honestly have faith in my own good judgment, I love the person that I am. Analogously, I AM A LION. Always have been, always will be. I have fought to repress my desire to dominate and to pursue. I have taught myself that I want to live a simple life out of the spot light, who am I kidding? I am not a paper chaser, that is not my style and in my opinion a sad way to life one's life. Instead, I wish to be a shadow master on the cave walls of our society. I doubt that I have the insight to become a philosopher in the truest sense. I will forge forward with the love of learning and share my wisdom with others. Hoping to give my children a better life. To partake in counterbalancing the ever on going forces that wish to throw us astray every day. It is in moderation that will find our salvation. It is with conservative idealism that my dreams and hopes shall come to fruition not the arms of another.

Now dont get me wrong, I will always. ALWAYS!!!! Love women, I need their company to guide me to mold me into a better man. Perhaps that my greatest downfall is that I love, love itself. Until the day that I find the perfect time in which I am compelled like a moth to a flame and she as well. Then it will fulfill the criteria noted above. That shall be the day in which I surrender myself and incorporate another again to my dreams.

Why does love have to be so difficult?

Had some doubts that she would be able to go through with it. And unfortunately, my doubts may becoming realized. She wrote me friday.... a letter were her finances are of prominent issue for use being together. She was "at a dead end." But, where does that leave me? I love her, honestly and truly do. My life is a haze, and that is the only thing that I truly believe to be certain. On thursday of last week prior to her letter I purchased some earrings that were delivered today. Additionally I wrote this letter and dropped it off, with some flowers, at her office.

Dear Ms. MT,

By now I take it that you have received my gift to you. It was purchased prior to me reading your letter. I wanted to share another small memento of my love. I figured that you needed some time, that is why I left you be last week. But, not one day passed that I wasn’t thinking about you. To simply put it, you put the pep in my step. Perhaps it could be said that I have over romanticized the possibility of us. However how could I deny such a strong gut instinct? The answer is I cannot. I know that you too feel what I feel; you too love me the way I love you.

If the reasons you wrote me are the basis for your doubts there is no reason to worry for I shall withstand hell for you; if it is something entirely different I do need you to be honest with me. Nothing goes according to plan, and our venture has already been beyond the realms of what either of us expected. All I have ever asked of you is to allow me to love you. I would pay a king’s ransom to be with you. Let me help you during these difficult times, so that we might overcome them together. Drop your guard; allow me to be there for you fully without limitations. If our day comes with God’s heavy hand, so be it, it will still be a day that I have looked forward to for far too long. I stand by the idea that I deserve someone that will love me 110%, and I still believe that could be you.

I Love you very much,
Brown Buffalo

-------------
I dont normally put her stuff on here, but I thought I would make an exception. this is her letter back today:
HEY, I HOPE YOU ARE OKAY. I GOT YOUR GIFTS BUT I CAN LONGER ACCEPT THEM. IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YOUR TRYING TO BUY ME. I KNOW YOUR TRYING TO SHOW ME YOUR LOVE AND I UNDERSTAND THAT BUT I THINK YOU CAN SPEND YOUR MONEY ON SOMETHING ELSE BETTER. I DO APOLOGIZE FOR NOT CALLING OR EMAILING YOU. I JUST FELT I NEEDED SOME TIME. I DONT WANT FOR YOU TO BE MISERABLE. I WANT FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY. I JUST FEEL I AM PUTTING YOU THROUGH A LOT. YOUR GONNA END UP HATING ME. YOU HAVE BEEN MY BEST FRIEND (EVEN THOUGH YOU DONT CONSIDER ME THAT WAY), A FRIEND THAT HAS SHOWED ME THAT YOU CARE FOR ME. ITS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I HAD A PERSON CARE FOR ME LIKE THAT. I AM SO SORRY. I CANNOT GET OVER THE FACT THAT IM HURTING YOU AND YOU DONT DESERVE TO BE. YOU HAVE BEEN A GENTLEMAN AND LOVING PERSON.

----Damn

What will October bring?

I plan on much more about this. Since I have been ghost over the past couple months. But, basically this is suppose to be the month of truths.... I doubt that few will be shown to light though. I have decided against my better judgment to pursue someone that is with someone else. Yes, see below. I have been extremely patient and attempted to compromise. So now I wait, for a day that will most likely never come. I sit and think bout simply being with her. Perhaps romanticizing way too much and not stopping to smell the flowers along the way. I have been hurt soooooo much, and in turn have hurt many others. All in this doom fated quest of love. Damn God! God and his cat and mouse games of love and pursuit. The french have a proverb that says "in love there is one that kisses and one that turns the cheek," oh man is that stupid saying so true. Add a point to french score card, and take a million away for developing this contemporary concept called "love." An arranged marriage may have done well in such a fucked up situation. Simple and to the point. No grand standing and insecurities. No doubts! Arguably that is bliss....

end of summer

Thank God its the end of the summer.... I need to get my head out of the clouds and get back into focus. Plan on writing some new blogs as well....

The letter

I wrote this letter to her....... what u think?

Dear M25423424,

I love you, and I always will. I was captivated since the earliest moments of meeting you. I was entranced not so much by your looks, but your personality. I think it’s needless to point out that I find you gorgeous. Despite your contentions, I knew that we had chemistry and relentlessly wanted my chance to see what that might bloom into. So I doggedly pursued you, at first I thought perhaps time would aid in my efforts I was simply wrong. So the beginning of this year I knew that I would have to take a more proactive approach if I ever wanted those dreams of mine to have the possibility of realization. As I mentioned before, I enrolled in that class so that I could be part of your life, so that at the very least I would have one guaranteed chance a week to see you. It turned out that was a very helpful stimulant to our other wise previously ailing status. Seeing more of each other provided us a wonderful opportunity to see proliferation of our feelings for one another. I attempted to as best as I could seduce you, my decisions took great restraint at times, but was always driven by my deep desire to want to be with you. At times, I made mistakes; I allowed my emotions to over ride my rationality. But, to be quite honest, I truly could not help myself I adored you, and still do.

We have existed enshrouded in secrecy. With great discretion we have stayed in the shadows of your life. I knew the name of the game when I first became involved. I thought with virtue and diligence that my labors and anguish would pay off in the end; that my hopes of being with you would come to fruition, if only you would come to love me. It has however become an actualization of mine that your weariness of confrontations has lead you seek refuge in the stability of your life, regardless of its inherent hardships. It has been with great difficulty that I have had to grasp what exactly you are waiting for. After all, up to this point you have lead me to believe, that your situation has been a grave mistake on your part. So I have come to the conclusion that you are hoping that J23452345 dissolves the relationship, since you do not have the courage to take hand in your destiny. It is this that has made you choose your current situation over the possibility of happiness; over love.

I refuse to throw away our emotions, our love for one another. I have always known that at some point it may have come down to an ultimatum of sorts, the type where I force you to choose between him and me. In a way you have already made that decision as stated above, your apprehensions of your own feelings have driven you away. I have done all I could to assure you, that if we were together it would be much different. I would always be there for you, never taking you for granted, and treat you the way a lady deserves to be treated. We have the foundations of trust and love to create a marvelous relationship that has the potential to far exceed either of our expectations. It has been an arduous task for me to come to grips with your reasoning for walking out on me when I needed you most, and now I understand. That wounded me deeply; and yes, I still believe that I do deserve to be treated with the respect and dignity that I have afforded you. I can see from your past actions that you are capable of doing so, I know from looking into your eyes that you love me, and that it is your own inhibitions that you refrain. You have always managed our relationship; you have determined the direction, the pace, and the limitations. Up to this point I have afforded you the comfort of governance. I have grown tired of the shade of the shadows we have grown in. I believe that you owe it me, and moreover yourself, to shed light on us. If not, well then you leave me with no other option but to do it myself. I hope that you can understand my position, I love you dearly, and always will……

THE DECISION?!

I met this wonderful female almost two years ago in one of our college classes. We were in a group and talked on occasion, from the very beginning I was intensely attracted to her. I tried time and time again to get to know her better, as in a date or something. It took time but we went out to the college rec center and played pool and had some drinks. I fell for her almost immediately. She seemed distant but finally became a bit more open when I was there for her when her brother became sick in the hospital and she needed someone to talk to. Well, that's also when I found out that she was in a relationship.

I didnt honestly expect to hear that, and by that point I was already head over heels for her. I believed in my own lie that perhaps one day we could be. And so, I continued, I worked with her and romanced her. I did amazing things for her, but always in the shadows of her relationship. I even took a course that I didnt need, simply to be around her (I got an A, so it wasnt so bad) I would call her business phone instead of the cell, and never after work hours. I dealt with tough emotions, and with much rigor I finally told her in March that I love her. In April she finally told me the same. She had made it clear that she wanted out of the relationship, but didnt want the drama in her life. I waited and after her, her boyfriend, and myself all graduated this past month I expected that there would be some progression between myself and her. She was as I logically foresaw to scared to move on. She lives with him since we met, been dating him since high school she is 24 and concerned about what her family may think. Supposedly, I am the only other person she has ever been with.

Recently, my grandmother passed away, which was a bit stressful but not too much. But, on her funeral day my uncle passed away as well. I was taken back, that night I needed someone to talk to and thought how much I wanted to talk to her. I didnt make that call. The next day after her work we talked and I told her that truly needed her more then, than ever before. I went on to talk about my frustration with the whole situation in general. I just wanted to be with her. At the end of the convo, she said little, as always. But simply, got up and left. We havent spoken since and that was two weeks ago. I made contact sending her a copy of the notebook DVD, but no note. That was a week ago; still no word. I am hurt.

I have heard that it is not in my best interest, but I was wondering your thoughts on my plans. Those being providing her boyfriend, which has in the past asked about her and me, with pictures of her and me. None explicit, but definitely suggestive of the affair, these include her and me kissing, and simply being together over the course of months. I know that would destroy the potential for her and me in the future, but I think that's something I have had to come to terms with. But, to be honest, I simply, truly, honestly, just want to be with her......

Any thoughts?

UNCONSCIOUS BIGOTRY

So thought I would share a conversation that an interesting debate for people to read.
The following are exchanges of messages via myspace.
My contact information: BrownBuffalo@live.com

Her contact information:

Lindsay Davis

1506 Washita
Midland, TX 79705
(listed)
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=65545462

The following was the initial message which was a reposted bulletin. I had never met Ms. Davis before. But, after reading the posting I become obliged to say something about what at first may seem small to some, but part of ongoing problems in this society. So, please read and enjoy, get back to me. Or feel free to hit her up.

Thanks,
-BEN

HER BULLETIN:
-I wrote this... Lindsay Davis - it is NOT a forward! HOWEVER - please pass it on after you read it!This morning as I pulled up to my children’s daycare, Wee Care on Lamesa Rd., there were four cops with their lights on surrounding an OLDER MODEL, GOLD, FORD EXPEDITION, like a ’98-’00 model. I tried not to stare, but as I walked in I couldn’t help but hear and notice all of the parents, teachers, and daycare director all standing around watching and talking. I went ahead and took the babies in to breakfast and signed them in, but when I came out I asked Miss Helen, the director/owner what was going on. She and some other parents started to tell me that the man in that vehicle had BACKED in and parked, and that he was alone… no children to take into the daycare, and that this was the SECOND time he’d been thereTHE FIRST TIME, recently, he was backed in, and as a mother and her child walked by – he called her over to the vehicle as he was masturbating. She called the police that day and that’s how he was noticed so fast todayHE CAME BACK TO THE SAME DAYCARE!!!Today, the cops had him in handcuffs and his back was to me, but I tried to look as hard as I could. He was a YOUNG man, mid-twenties, dark skin… I couldn’t tell if he was black or Mexican. He has a mustache and a ball cap, a striped, collared shirt, and jeans.I know, I know… like most of the younger guys around here!All I could think about was – what if I’d forgotten something in my car and sent my 7 year old out there to grab it for me as I signed the babies into their classes?!?! What if he would have called her over to his vehicle?!?! I know Brennen… and she would have just trusted him and walked over.I am not sure that man would be prepared for the storm that I would have brought him, had that happenedANYWAY – This is just a message to all my friends with children in daycares around Midland… Be aware of your surroundings! If you see this guy backed into a parking space at your daycare, CALL THE POLICE… this was NOT his first rodeo, today.Please pass this on to all the mommas that take their kids to daycares in the morning

The following are the messages that followed:
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..BEN.................Date: May 29, 2008 11:17 PM
(I copied the above and sent it with this) Read this lately? Came across it, thought I would ask -BEN
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..Lyn-Z..Date: May 30, 2008 9:02 AM
Yeah - that happened at my daycare Tuesday morning, this week. I wrote it. :)
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..BEN.............Date: May 30, 2008 9:58 AM
Sounds, like something people should know about. But, should probably be dealt with a bit differently, criminal prosecution and sex offender laws seem the most logical way to go. Loosely identifying dark skin Hispanic & Black males, probably less advisable. Just thought I would mention that. -BEN
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..Lyn-Z..Date: May 30, 2008 1:02 PM
FIRST OF ALL, I saw the man with MY OWN EYES, and HE WAS a DARK SKINNED HISPANIC or a LIGHT SKINNED BLACK MALE. His back was to me. They had him in handcuffs, therefore - it WAS being handled in a matter that was correct and just. I WAS JUST PASSING THE WORD ALONG to ANY unsuspecting woman - to be aware of the vehicle and circumstances. It was on the news Tuesday evening and the Midland Reporter Telegram even contacted me.I CANNOT BELIEVE that you would make this about race. You don't even know me..... I am the farthest from ignorant that you could come across. If the dude would have been white - I would have been JUST AS QUICK to alert my friends. My email was NOT derogatory, but quite informative.Thanks for your time.
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..BEN........Date: May 30, 2008 12:57 PM
Be aware of a man that is already (according to you) in our criminal justice system? Then if there is justice as one might consider that the case from your representation, what then is there to be aware of? If guilty he no longer be a threat as before. I should expect a white female from Midland, Texas to so easily shrug off her unconscious bigotry she perpetuates. No worries, for everyone that stands within your frame of thought, there are exponentially growing numbers in mine.-BEN
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..Lyn-Z..Date: May 30, 2008 2:14 PM
You are ABSURD. I was simply passing on the information of the MAN THAT DID THIS. It wasn't hearsay, I saw him with my own eyes. There was NOTHING racial about this. Just as ANY newspaper, news show, or anything of that nature, the description of the suspect is just that - HIS DESCRIPTION. I wasn't passing any judgement.NOW, I'm glad that you brought your most recent point to my attention, as you would NOT know that this man HAS done this before HERE in Midland. He prayed on a woman in her neighborhood for TWO hours before he pulled up next to her, exposed himself, and as she tried to run away, almost hit her with his vehicle. He got away, but they found him later that evening and arrested him. He got five years probation for that little stunt.THIS VERY WOMAN contacted me yesterday to ask for more information since I was there and she was not, as she did not want to pursue the matter if it was the wrong man. She plans on contacting the DA and JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED to that worthless, scum bag for violating his probation. He was in the same exact vehicle. What a genius. It sickens me that you would take such a sensitive subject to women with children and try to make it a racial debate. I don't care if the man was white, brown, black, or yellow. He sat at MY CHILDREN'S CHILD CARE ESTABLISHMENT and waited to expose himself to a woman with child in tow. YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT that I will pass on an informative "HEY, look out for this guy" type email/bulletin/message. I want you to know that I plan on posting this in a blog. I guarantee you that I am not the only one who would do this and your ignorant accusations are a waste of your time.
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..BEN.....Date: May 30, 2008 6:22 PM
I am glad that u take an active role as a citizen within your community. A trait that is increasingly becoming the anomaly within our society. I never said that you were spreading hearsay, or false information. I did not down play that the darkest realms of hell are for child molesters or that we must stand against sex offenders in general. My thoughts about your bulletin were for your failure on your presentation. "An idle older model Gold Ford expedition" would have probably been enough of an explanation for parents to take note of. As you have noted, he likes to use the same vehicle any way. I know it may be difficult to distinguish us minorities from one another, black or brown, we're similar, but you did not even take note his height. Such a notable trait among the many, easily seen from someone's back. This was then followed by your light hearted sentence, "I know, I know… like most of the younger guys around here." Yes, he may have done something previously and now with your help you will help to grant him the justice he deserves. What then was the gravity of your posting? I originally wrote you as a simple note, of the potential harm loosely identifying people in general can do. Since, then, you have done little to allay my thoughts, instead quite the opposite. I find it intriguing to believe that you fail to see your own falsehoods in your stance. I am wondering if the local media will work with you to do a reenactment of what happened; and if so will they use a hispanic or black male? Or possibly simply just a white man with blackface? -BEN
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..Lyn-Z..Date: May 31, 2008 8:47 AM
I hope that you are following my blog, as I am finished arguing such an ignorant subject with you.
(this can be seen here: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=65545462&blogID=400980402)
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..BEN.....
Damn, you really burnt me now didn’t you? The commentary from your comrades was a devastating blow. How could I not see the untainted wholesomeness of your contributions to society?Now with your ego stroked by people who fail to see basic logic, you can walk around town knowing how wonderful of a person you truly are. I only hope that in that daycare your children go to that they are not being saturated by similar ideologies. With time there may be an epiphany in your life that will allow you to see the negative extent that even positive intentions may have. But, in the end the cause justifies the means, right?Take care. PS. Webster’s dictionary definition of ignorance: lack of knowledge, education, or awareness. It is a commonly misused word; you may want to pass that on.



On a side note, her friend messaged me during the debate above and we had a shorter conversation that might add some more humor to your day;
Her contact information: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=9378092
The convo:
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..Soon to be Mrs......... Seif! ..Date: May 30, 2008 3:42 PM
Thank you for the good laugh. Your email really reminded me of the ignorance out there! There is no way you graduated college. I feel sorry for you...........
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..BEN.........Date: May 30, 2008 5:42 PM
Ignorance, yes and all white females from Midland Texas shall surely enlighten me with the truth. Thank God that your people have always been there to spread the correct morals and justice for all humanity. -BEN
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..Soon to be Mrs..... Seif! ..Date: May 30, 2008 7:29 PM
I am not from Midland Texas, thank you. I am from Los Angeles. There are many assholes like you there. You should be happy that people like us are here to put people like you in their place.
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..B.....Date: May 30, 2008 10:07 PM There are many asshole like me in LA? Awwww yes, that's right East LA, and people like you, you must mean settlers like William Mulholland (if that name ain't familiar with the name look it up). I am glad to see that at least my primitive brain will now be able to see that light since people like you are here to put me in my place; or is that in the dark?
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..Soon to be Mrs.Seif! ..Date: May 31, 2008 8:01 AM
Are you okay? Do you need help? I am thinking you have problems. So I will leave you alone.
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..BEN.....
Always a pleasure. take care,
-BEN


------------>Feel free to add to the thread, any thoughts?

I didn't even realize until just earlier, that I gave her Ms. Davis too much credit, she never said Hispanic, but "dark skin… I couldn’t tell if he was black or Mexican." Its people like this that are ignorant (see the irony?), there are many types of Latinos, Hispanics, ect...